Today it was a MIRACLE.....

I have been waiting so long to receive such a MIRACLE as today.. It has been a long 3 years and the last 6 months have nearly off me and my MOTHER and my family... But today 2/22/2013 I am CANCER FREE AMEN!~!~!  I have that huge spot on my neck which we all knew but for right now I will control with Doctor's care and a pill now and then and let my body be FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... :0) It was a awesome day.... I love you all that stood by me and loved me and hated me when I was a BITCH and I was a BITCH at times.. but now I will look at things more clearly calmer sweeter softer special and loving... I have some wonderful people in my life and I would not change a thing..... I did not spend all that time in the shower crying and being on my knees for nothing.... I got what I truly prayed for MY MIRACLE....

TESTING 1, 2, 3..............

CAN YOU READ THIS BLOG NOW MOMMIE DEAREST I do not know what it worse this or HARRY..................... LMFAO!~!~!~!~!~

Happy Valentine's Day...

We as being the grands dressed in Granny's favorite color for her "RED".... I even got and new cute back ground and changed things up a bit.... I think I really like it.  Things have been moving really fast for me and things are getting put on hold and things are being pushed aside.  I have been feeling like a scared caged rabbit who has the door wide open but yet scared to go outside the cage due to fear and hurt.  I am not saying I am prefect by all means but sometimes you try to do things you think are right for you at the time and wind up hurting the ones you love so deeply but after all is said and done "BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER" and should be just that.  We all can not be happy all the time of every single minute of every single day.  I cry in the shower every night just so no one will ask me why... I hurt so deeply that my heart is torn apart.  I may smile and say oh "YES" I am ok how can I help you today.  But what I really want, need, is someone to walk up to me and wrap their arms around me and say hey I am here and I love you more than today than I have ever loved you before.  There are a lot of things going on in my life I want to hide and scream and sometimes I want to pack what all I can in my car and move far far far away.  But then I think about The Boss, My Mom, My Grandfather, My BBS and say what would I do without them... I have seen my Mom go through so many different things with me in the last 6 months than any Mother should have to go through in a lifetime.  Sometimes I feel so guilty and ashamed that she carries such a heavy load with all my health problems not to mention all the other problems but she always smiles and says BREATHE just BREATHE Laurajean is will be ok.  I was so lonely today so she came over just for me.... I think we both needed to feel loved and even though we did talk a lot and we laughed a lot and I even cried when she was not watching me watch her.  She is a GIFT one I hope I never have to give away or let go.  I love you Mom.  The kids got her a ROSE each and made the neatest cards for her and of course after I thought some families can not give the ones they love anything or see them or touch them or smell them they are only memories for them I can not think of what I would do without my family.  I am so blessed to have been given a second, maybe third probably even a forth chance at happiness.  I often ask myself do I deserve all this and for someone who had done some many awful things and so many awesome and amazing things I always come up with the same answer "YES I DO"..... Today was a new day and it takes baby steps sometimes to make a WONDERFUL PERSON.... Today I am that person.....  I worked every hard at it and I will continue to work hard at it I deserve it and so do the ones I love deeply...... :')

SAD SAD SAD day 1/26/2013......

Today I had to say GOOD-BYE to my BESTEST FRIEND in the whole world.. you all know her as Missy Snooks... She was a huge part of our family and she is so missed and loved.  I am not sure what I am going to do without her.... No-one to share my hair with and no-one to share our green chair with and no-one to meow for tuna like she did... I would tell her she did not love me she was just using me for TUNA... And she would MEOW like yay hurry up and get me some LADY CHOP CHOP.... My Mom went with me.  It was so very hard they wrapped her up nicely in a box and we gave her some things to make sure she never felt alone, my favorite night gown and a shirt from Bubba and some socks from the Boss and some pants from SkyeNina and some shorts from Gravy and then some really neat notes.... GOD  I miss her and life will never be the same without her.... Wooshie keeps meowing for her and looking for her which does not make it any easier.... GOOD-BYE my sweet girl I love you more than you will ever KNOW.... 1/26/2013...... :'(

When is it ok to let go......

I am having a very very hard time dealing with all the sickness and mental issues and a teacher and everything it seems like these days.  Doctor's that want me to do more tests and I am like you know what yeah let's do a sleep test on her so we can make more money says Dr. R and Dr. N knows how bad she messed up she does not even want to follow up with me and I thought she was out of "ALL" the Doctor's I have seen she had some good sense.. Well I guess I was wrong.... :/ that is how it goes I guess.  Anyway my big question for the day is when is it ok to let go of your children and let them discover who they are.  Everyone that knows me knows this is a very hard thing for me if they really know me....  I don't want the oh poor Little Laurajean is scared and she is bubbling her kids but I am.  I have not had the best past and someone out there did things worse than me but I feel as though somehow I am being punished.  I try very hard to be a very good mother to my three amazing children but I am scared in my fears that I have let my past cloud my judgement.  I am not saying that I am prefect no-one is and if they are I want to met them.  I somewhere need to know when it is ok to let go.  I worked so very hard to become who I am today but today I am asking myself who am I really a scared Mother afraid to let her children go and let them shine and soar and be who they want to be.  When I look at my Mom I want to be like her when and if I grow up she is so brave and so strong and so wise and so loving I know I got a lot of that from her but am I doing enough.... I worked so hard to have my children and been there and done that but I need to stronger wiser or just love them and make sure they know it always.  I am scared it is too late.  So again I am asking when is it ok to let go.....???? :/

Wow what a longggggg WEEK....

Well I am up early again this morning and I have made cookies for my sweet little Miss Virginia at Dr. Victor office and got a bunch of fresh strawberries and giving them some since I have so many.  Gramps wants some too so I will share.  I am not feeling to good I am sweating my ass off and I am so blahity and suckity... LQTM.  I have been running around all week and making phones calls and making appointment's for follow up's does it ever end.  I have lost some of my beautiful hair but after walking into Dr. Diamond's office in Winter Park seeing all those people with masks and no hair and being balded and looking like today was the last day of their life I took a second like at myself in the mirror and smiled and said Laurajean Haas-Guzman (like my Mother the way she says it I giggled) and said Laurajean Haas-Guzman are you living or are you just existing...... I am so blessed to have such and amazing family and such awesome friends I got this.  No one can understand the "C" word until they are told they have it even if it is small little tiny medium big huge large it is all the same.  But I feel like crap now I am going to beat this no DOUBT in my mind and heart.... :') Ok it is time to get moving... Today is a good day...

A very very sad day...

Today my Mother had to put her oldest cat down Sasha (little little Sasha) she was going to be 18 this year and she was in so much pain and My Mother was as brave as she could be.  I know it hurt her more than she realized I could see it in her eyes.  I felt so helpless but so needed.... I know what it is like to lose an animal I have lost a few myself they become such a big part of your life and it is so hard to see watch them grow up and be like kids and it is so hard to let them go.  Now she is in a much better place and she is having a good time with some of the ones we had to leave behind.... Like CB & Patcheese & Rusty & Roots & Poops & Coral and they are welcoming her with angel wings and all the fun and love they have.... I started calling Sasha my little patient after her last trip to see Dr. Larry and I know this time was going to be different somehow.  We got to see Marge she looks the same and she gave my Mom a big hug and a red ROSE... She is so sweet and loving.  I stayed with my Mom for a while and helped her get rid of some things I knew were hard for her and we made the bed together and she smoked and we talked and then we said our goodbyes.. I am so SORRY MOM I know you are hurting so much inside I can not tell you it will get easier because sometimes it never does.  But I will ALWAYS be here for you as you are ALWAYS there for me.... If I could take the pain away I would in a heart beat... I love you with everything I have and with all that I am... I am glad I could be there for you today as you are there for my everyday... I promised Sasha my patient that I would take care of her Mother and she did not need to worry anymore she looked at me as though she understood and then as my tears fell down on her face she was gone... You are loved and you will be missed.... January 6th 2013 goodbye my sweet little Sasha.... :'(.......