When is it ok to let go......

I am having a very very hard time dealing with all the sickness and mental issues and a teacher and everything it seems like these days.  Doctor's that want me to do more tests and I am like you know what yeah let's do a sleep test on her so we can make more money says Dr. R and Dr. N knows how bad she messed up she does not even want to follow up with me and I thought she was out of "ALL" the Doctor's I have seen she had some good sense.. Well I guess I was wrong.... :/ that is how it goes I guess.  Anyway my big question for the day is when is it ok to let go of your children and let them discover who they are.  Everyone that knows me knows this is a very hard thing for me if they really know me....  I don't want the oh poor Little Laurajean is scared and she is bubbling her kids but I am.  I have not had the best past and someone out there did things worse than me but I feel as though somehow I am being punished.  I try very hard to be a very good mother to my three amazing children but I am scared in my fears that I have let my past cloud my judgement.  I am not saying that I am prefect no-one is and if they are I want to met them.  I somewhere need to know when it is ok to let go.  I worked so very hard to become who I am today but today I am asking myself who am I really a scared Mother afraid to let her children go and let them shine and soar and be who they want to be.  When I look at my Mom I want to be like her when and if I grow up she is so brave and so strong and so wise and so loving I know I got a lot of that from her but am I doing enough.... I worked so hard to have my children and been there and done that but I need to stronger wiser or just love them and make sure they know it always.  I am scared it is too late.  So again I am asking when is it ok to let go.....???? :/

Wow what a longggggg WEEK....

Well I am up early again this morning and I have made cookies for my sweet little Miss Virginia at Dr. Victor office and got a bunch of fresh strawberries and giving them some since I have so many.  Gramps wants some too so I will share.  I am not feeling to good I am sweating my ass off and I am so blahity and suckity... LQTM.  I have been running around all week and making phones calls and making appointment's for follow up's does it ever end.  I have lost some of my beautiful hair but after walking into Dr. Diamond's office in Winter Park seeing all those people with masks and no hair and being balded and looking like today was the last day of their life I took a second like at myself in the mirror and smiled and said Laurajean Haas-Guzman (like my Mother the way she says it I giggled) and said Laurajean Haas-Guzman are you living or are you just existing...... I am so blessed to have such and amazing family and such awesome friends I got this.  No one can understand the "C" word until they are told they have it even if it is small little tiny medium big huge large it is all the same.  But I feel like crap now I am going to beat this no DOUBT in my mind and heart.... :') Ok it is time to get moving... Today is a good day...

A very very sad day...

Today my Mother had to put her oldest cat down Sasha (little little Sasha) she was going to be 18 this year and she was in so much pain and My Mother was as brave as she could be.  I know it hurt her more than she realized I could see it in her eyes.  I felt so helpless but so needed.... I know what it is like to lose an animal I have lost a few myself they become such a big part of your life and it is so hard to see watch them grow up and be like kids and it is so hard to let them go.  Now she is in a much better place and she is having a good time with some of the ones we had to leave behind.... Like CB & Patcheese & Rusty & Roots & Poops & Coral and they are welcoming her with angel wings and all the fun and love they have.... I started calling Sasha my little patient after her last trip to see Dr. Larry and I know this time was going to be different somehow.  We got to see Marge she looks the same and she gave my Mom a big hug and a red ROSE... She is so sweet and loving.  I stayed with my Mom for a while and helped her get rid of some things I knew were hard for her and we made the bed together and she smoked and we talked and then we said our goodbyes.. I am so SORRY MOM I know you are hurting so much inside I can not tell you it will get easier because sometimes it never does.  But I will ALWAYS be here for you as you are ALWAYS there for me.... If I could take the pain away I would in a heart beat... I love you with everything I have and with all that I am... I am glad I could be there for you today as you are there for my everyday... I promised Sasha my patient that I would take care of her Mother and she did not need to worry anymore she looked at me as though she understood and then as my tears fell down on her face she was gone... You are loved and you will be missed.... January 6th 2013 goodbye my sweet little Sasha.... :'(.......

2012 seeeeeeeeeeeee ya~!~!`

Awwwww yet another year has come and gone I have been through more than one person has in a lifetime... I am looking forward to big big changes in 2013... I want to feel nothing but PURE and TRUE love from the ones around me.. The ones that don't need me unless they want something or only call when it is ok for them.... I have been through way to much stuff this year and I deserve to be treated as I treat others with caring, kindness, love, concern...  I have tried so hard in the past to make everyone love me and make everyone else HAPPY with I got news for you.. It is NOT ALL ABOUT YOU ANYMORE.... It is about me... I have been down a rough long hard road but I am going to beat this with all I have I deserve it... I know I have not always been the best person in the world but I sure do try.  I say THANK YOU when it is needed and unexpected and tell people I am here not matter what.  I tell people how I feel even it they don't like it (well I have not done much of that but I am here to tell you I am going to start 2013 I hope high HOPES for you)  So if you find out that I am not the same person I was before better ask yourself did I do all I can for Laurajean..... Just saying.... Say for now 2012 is behind me and I only see HAPPINESS and LOVE and FUN in 2013.... So enjoy life, Smile it is free love the ones you love while they understand why you love them like you do tomorrow is not promised and remember to say Please, THANK YOU, your welcome and let that person know you cared enough to NOTICE what they have been for you...... GOODBYE 2012 HELLO 2013 Here I come ready or not..... :0)

Ok well I have an Anniversary coming up...

Me and the Boss have an Anniversary coming up and I have to say I love him as much as I did 13 years ago but we have been together for 15...... He is a good man.  He gets on my last nerve but I would not give him up for anything well..... Nope nothing... Sunday is the big day I told him not to buy me anything but since we got three numbers on the lottery this week and won a $150 dollars I told him he could get me a candy bar... He knows my favorite kind BUTTER FINGER baby... :0) I love you JGU..... aka The Boss....

Pictures after surgery tried to add but it said not today..

I tell you that red stuff is from that tap that stupid nurse put on there from my chin to my BOOBS... I ripped my skin off.... :/ It hurt hurt hurt.... But I feel 90 % better today then I did on December 12th 2012...

Yes I am catching up on the blogging thing..

Well it has been two weeks since my surgery and I feel good and my scar looks better then it did before the last one did in August of 2011... I feel better and it was hard at first but I said I was going to be strong and get through this with flying colors.... Well that came to a quick stop once we went back a week later to see the wonderful Doctor... Dr. Vanterpool is the best Doctor next to Dr. Victor.  We are all in shock from the news that I have cancer but I am not going to let this get me down not me I cried a lot at first my Mom turned a color white I had never seen before and said I need a cig I said wait for me I think I need a cig too.. LQTM... But as life deals us a hand we don't like we can choose to throw in back in or kept that hand and play until you get some better cards... :') I went to see Dr. Dill which I will have you know was one of the most HANDSOME Doctor's I have ever seen and I have seen MANY MANY MANY.... He was so kind and told me what I could do and what he thought I should do and my bestie Catherine Young went with me.. We have had our differences but she was there every single time I needed her when my Mom had other things to do.  People tell me not to trust her she is two faced and she is a loony but I trust her fully.  She was there when I needed her and I was there when she needed me and I have never heard anything I have told her from anyone else.  She is my bestie... I love her dearly.  She has issues but who doesn't... She took notes and asked questions so that I could give my Mom and family details in full.  She looted some candy and we laugh because she knows I was very scared.  And then we flirted with the Doctor and he was smiling from ear to ear, but when I left I felt at peace... I am going to beat this I have come way to far to go out like this... I am strong, brave and I am a Mother of three amazing children I have husband I love to dislike.. LQTM I have two cats that love me I think they are just using me for tuna.. LQTM... I have a BBS and one special nephew and one special niece and family in SC and friends I did not even know I had... So today I want to THANK YOU ALL for being there and loving me and showing me what true love is all about and I tell you I know that I am loved... :0) I hope to hear from Doctor Dill that was his name today if not I am going to call him and then make my appointment with Dr. Diamond in Winter Park and Cat is going with me she knows exactly where to go she has been there done that.  I HOPE AND PRAY AND MIRACLE.. that I only have to go once.. No wait I know GOD is only going to make me go once... I can feel it.. :0)