If I Had Only Known

If only~!~!!~! I love you Gramps today and always!~!~! I think of you every minute of everyday. I miss you so much!! Thank you for loving me and always being there for me and The Boss and the kids. You would be so PROUD of the Boss we are almost there but, I know you already knew that anyway :') I still am finding my pennies from heaven!~!~!~ Don't give up on me!~!~!~ your favorite, KIDDO

Gramps, I love you today and ALWAYS!~~!~! I miss you DEEPLY!~!~!~

Gramps, I can not believe it has been a year already.  It seems like yesterday that we were enjoying the time we would spend together.  Our talks two times a week, some times more when you would call out of blue and surprise me.  Not, a day goes by with me thinking about you and missing you so much it hurts.  I know you would not want me to be sad and I am trying but, I miss you.  You were my friend, my Gramps, my HERO, my wise man who know just what to say and how to say it.  I miss your smile and your small laughter and your smell.  I miss seeing you wave to me when I would leave and smile and blow me a kiss.  I loved you like no other.  It was so hard watching you be so sick and trying so hard to be brave for me.  When you decided to turn off the machines and go I was so sad and I thought I would never make it without you.  I wanted to crawl in the bed with you and never let you go.  You grabbed my hand and told me how sorry you were and to not be sad and to "FORGIVE YOU for leaving me".... Everything, seemed like it was so unreal and slow motion.  I could not understand what everyone was saying.  No one can understand how much I miss you and you told me not to cry when you were gone.  I took care of you for so long it was so hard to let go.  You and I went through a lot of things together.  I know in my mind you held on a little longer to make sure I was CANCER FREE.  I loved taking you to the store and watching you shop made me laugh because, you were so fast and I will never forget when I could not find you and at the point you had lost your hearing so, I could not have them all call you.  I was out of breath and lending up against a pole and a lady said are you ok, I said I think, I lost my Gramps in here somewhere and then you came around the corner smiling, talking really loud because, you could not hear and said let's get out of here KIDDO!~!~  I miss our times and your hugs.  I hope you are ok.  I hope you are watching over me and I hope you are proud of me.  The kids miss you.  The Boss still goes by to see Dr. Barringer something I can not do.  He does call once in a while.  When we leaving the house and it was so empty I watched the kids running around outside and I asked the Boss for a minute by myself, I was closing the French Doors and I turned to look back one more time and I swear I saw you and Gram standing there holding hands smiling at me and I could hear you saying "FORGIVE ME KIDDO", I am ok now.  It was a very very long hard week when you were in the hospital and then when it was time to go and you said let's do this...the ride to the end of life care the song DON'T came on and you said turn it up and blow the horns..... It felt like, I had been in a bad dream for days.  They got you all settled in.  I was rubbing your head and you would look at me and then close your eyes.  The sweet nurse came in to check on you and it had been such a hard and long day she asked if she could hug me and of course, I said yes.  She told you I look very very sad and very worn out and that I needed to leave so you could go.  I told her I can't leave him, she said you must he wants you to and then he will go and be your ANGEL forever.  I remember coming home and crying.  I took a hot shower crying so hard wanting to be there with you, and the Boss was sitting in there with me and I kinda fell into his arms and he said it will be ok.  I brushed my hair and put my head on my pillow and the phone rang.  It was the sweet Nurse from the Palms saying you were gone.  At first, I could not breath or move and when I was crying and screaming nothing was coming out it was so still and I could not hear anything....... I came back down until they came to get you and kiss you one last time.  I said goodbye...... I helped the sweet man who came to get you take you to the car.  He was so sweet but, nothing he was saying was making sense to me.  When he closed the door I jumped and he said are you ok, wiping away my tears.  I felt this warm feeling and he asked me did he want him to walk me to my car and I said no I have someone walking with me already, he smiled and said ok.  It has been very hard to move on but, I am trying.  Now, I dream of you!!!  I will see you again one day and you make sure you keep your promise and save my seat.  Watch over me like you promised.  I think of you every minute of everyday.  I love you dearly and miss you so much!~!~  On a special note I would like to Thank the Boss and my Mother who helped me so much during this very difficult time not sure how I would have made it without you two.  Gramps, I will always be your KIDDO and your crazier than a shit house rat.  But, when you needed me I was there and that is something NO-ONE can ever take away from me.  I wish heaven was not so far away or I would pack up for the day just to see you once more.  I love you today and always and miss you!~!~ Your favorite KIDDO!~!~! And, as of today I have 407 pennies from heaven....... "~Just us 7~"    Seeeeeeeee ya!!!!!!!

3/12/2014 RIP Frank Gordon Haas My Dad, My Friend, Your Lovey!~!~

It is hard to believe that 9 nine years has pasted since you went away.  I often find myself wondering what you would be like today, if you had not had to leave this world.  I will think of something funny and I will go to the phone only to remember I can't call you anymore....  I am glad that we got to spend some really great times together before you left.  I will never forget coming down for Thanksgiving with Dylan for his first Thanksgiving with the Boss and Rusty.  We had so much fun with you!!~  I knew how much you would like the Boss, he can be a hand full sometimes but, he loves me with his whole heart and when you asked him if he truly loved me and he said yes, I saw the way you looked at him and smiled and winked at me.  I will always remember me winning that pool game we played and how you hugged me and held me like it would be the last hug I ever got from you.  In a way it was because, after that you got sick.  I tried my very best to take care of you when you were sick.  I will in my heart never forgive or let go of  "Patty" having you Barker Acted and  and leaving you all alone to die by yourself, in that cold dark room.  But, your KID came and got you out you can bet that.  I will never forget the look on your face when I told the lady at the front desk we can do this the easy way or the hard way.  And, you smiling back at me saying that there is my daughter, my KID, my lovey!!!!  I miss you and your sense of humor and all your BS (insider) No one could BS like you!~!  I kept my promise I made to you and took care of your Father until the very hard end.  I can not believe how many losses we have had in this sad month of March.  You, Mom's Dad's birthday 3/2/2014 he would have been 108 and The Boss' Mom passed away tomorrow 3/13/2014 and then my Gramps, my hero, 3/22/2014.  Let's just say March is not a fun month!~!  I can enjoy the memories and smile and laugh and cry all in minutes. I hope you are having fun every where you are and that you are watching me from afar saying that is my KID and look at all she has been through and she is still standing and smiling and crying inside also.  But, I want you to know I would go back and do it all over again all of it, "For you"!~!~ I love you Dad!~!~  I hope to see you again one day!~!~  I dream of you often and think of you all the time, I will never forget you...... And, remember the GRIN DID WIN!~!~!  "LQTM"  I miss you and love you with all my heart!~!  I wish you could have been here to see SkyeNina and Grayson but, I am grateful you did get to see me have Dylan!~!~!  I thank "GOD" for that............ Remember, I "SO GOT THIS"......................

Happy 108th Birthday Granddaddy aka Col. Daddy........

Today, would have been my Granddaddy's 108th birthday.  I know if he was alive he would not believe how this world has changed.  The first thing I think he would say is there is a BLACK PRESIDENT.... LQTM..... He is probably turning over in his grave right now saying are you kidding me.  He called me "HOT SHOT"...... And every summer we went to see them over the summer. I was always going to garage sales and going up to doors saying we were from out of town and could we come earlier.  I miss the smell of my Granddaddy.  Every time I smell Old Spice I turn to see who smells like my Granddaddy.  My Mom and him were very close and she tries to hide her sadness from her favorite most youngest daughter but, I know better.  I hope you are celebrating your 108th Birthday with my Gramps and Gram and Grandmomma (who made me eat pie LOL LOL) and all the other loved ones who are there with you!~!~! Happy Happy Birthday from your one and only "HOT SHOT"......... :') I love you!!~!~!~! This was posted today but, would not post on Sunday like it should have but, I finally got it.  His 108th birthday was Sunday March 2, 2014...... I guess I can not back date like others......

The good thing about TODAY......

It is almost over yes, I said it and I will say it again it is almost OVER!~!~!  OMG, I feel like I am on a roll coaster going around and around without stopping.  Not, only that I don't even like to ride those kind of rides anymore.  Now back in the day I did.  I talked to more people today than I have in the last two weeks.  But, somehow someway I will finish what I have started.  I did have a great few laughs with my Mom she can always cheers me up and brings me back to earth.  She has been doing that a lot lately.  We laughed our butts off at the guy last night on Jeopardy with the happy finger on the button I thought I would wet my pants.  Gotta, keep that sense of humor it is critical... LQTM.  I am sadden by some people I thought I could count on but, they let me down again and I will never get over it and me saying it was not going to bother me was just a plain out LIE.  But, they say you can always tell who your real friends are when you need something important.  Some were very shocking I will not mention their names because, that would be indiscreet and my Mother taught me better.  Now, if I was Arthur I would be laughing and saying "Susan Johnson".  But, as this day comes to an end I know where I am going and it is always good to remember where I have been. Plus, always remember you can't always depend on that light, LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Happy 75th Anniversary to you Gram and Gramps.......

Today, would have been my Gram and Gramps 75th Anniversary...... I miss them both so much and I love them more than I ever thought I could.  I never imagined my life without my Gramps but, GOD had other plans for you.  I wish I could pack up for the day if heaven was not so far away. I hope that you and Gram are dancing cheek to cheek and smiling down on me and the kids and the Boss and My Mother.  Gram never got to see me have children and I know she would have loved them so much she, was such a loving woman!~!  I think about all the stories Gramps talked about on your first date and you went to a flicker show as you called it.  You said you had a quarter and you talked about how scared you were because she was the prettiest thing you had ever seen.  You and Gram had the best time and you both got a soda and popcorn and you still had a nickel left and you bought her a candy bar.  I always think about the memories you shared with me after she passed away.  And, you talked about her as she was still alive with such PRIDE and JOY.  I know how much you loved her.  I miss you both and hope that you are celebrating today and everyday!~!~  Please save my seat and never forget how much you both mean to me.  I love you today and always!~!~!  XOXOXOXO Happy 75th and many many more to come!~!  Your favorite, KIDDO!~!~!

This is something amazing and wonderful to hear..... :')