Gramps, I love you today and ALWAYS!~~!~! I miss you DEEPLY!~!~!~

Gramps, I can not believe it has been a year already.  It seems like yesterday that we were enjoying the time we would spend together.  Our talks two times a week, some times more when you would call out of blue and surprise me.  Not, a day goes by with me thinking about you and missing you so much it hurts.  I know you would not want me to be sad and I am trying but, I miss you.  You were my friend, my Gramps, my HERO, my wise man who know just what to say and how to say it.  I miss your smile and your small laughter and your smell.  I miss seeing you wave to me when I would leave and smile and blow me a kiss.  I loved you like no other.  It was so hard watching you be so sick and trying so hard to be brave for me.  When you decided to turn off the machines and go I was so sad and I thought I would never make it without you.  I wanted to crawl in the bed with you and never let you go.  You grabbed my hand and told me how sorry you were and to not be sad and to "FORGIVE YOU for leaving me".... Everything, seemed like it was so unreal and slow motion.  I could not understand what everyone was saying.  No one can understand how much I miss you and you told me not to cry when you were gone.  I took care of you for so long it was so hard to let go.  You and I went through a lot of things together.  I know in my mind you held on a little longer to make sure I was CANCER FREE.  I loved taking you to the store and watching you shop made me laugh because, you were so fast and I will never forget when I could not find you and at the point you had lost your hearing so, I could not have them all call you.  I was out of breath and lending up against a pole and a lady said are you ok, I said I think, I lost my Gramps in here somewhere and then you came around the corner smiling, talking really loud because, you could not hear and said let's get out of here KIDDO!~!~  I miss our times and your hugs.  I hope you are ok.  I hope you are watching over me and I hope you are proud of me.  The kids miss you.  The Boss still goes by to see Dr. Barringer something I can not do.  He does call once in a while.  When we leaving the house and it was so empty I watched the kids running around outside and I asked the Boss for a minute by myself, I was closing the French Doors and I turned to look back one more time and I swear I saw you and Gram standing there holding hands smiling at me and I could hear you saying "FORGIVE ME KIDDO", I am ok now.  It was a very very long hard week when you were in the hospital and then when it was time to go and you said let's do this...the ride to the end of life care the song DON'T came on and you said turn it up and blow the horns..... It felt like, I had been in a bad dream for days.  They got you all settled in.  I was rubbing your head and you would look at me and then close your eyes.  The sweet nurse came in to check on you and it had been such a hard and long day she asked if she could hug me and of course, I said yes.  She told you I look very very sad and very worn out and that I needed to leave so you could go.  I told her I can't leave him, she said you must he wants you to and then he will go and be your ANGEL forever.  I remember coming home and crying.  I took a hot shower crying so hard wanting to be there with you, and the Boss was sitting in there with me and I kinda fell into his arms and he said it will be ok.  I brushed my hair and put my head on my pillow and the phone rang.  It was the sweet Nurse from the Palms saying you were gone.  At first, I could not breath or move and when I was crying and screaming nothing was coming out it was so still and I could not hear anything....... I came back down until they came to get you and kiss you one last time.  I said goodbye...... I helped the sweet man who came to get you take you to the car.  He was so sweet but, nothing he was saying was making sense to me.  When he closed the door I jumped and he said are you ok, wiping away my tears.  I felt this warm feeling and he asked me did he want him to walk me to my car and I said no I have someone walking with me already, he smiled and said ok.  It has been very hard to move on but, I am trying.  Now, I dream of you!!!  I will see you again one day and you make sure you keep your promise and save my seat.  Watch over me like you promised.  I think of you every minute of everyday.  I love you dearly and miss you so much!~!~  On a special note I would like to Thank the Boss and my Mother who helped me so much during this very difficult time not sure how I would have made it without you two.  Gramps, I will always be your KIDDO and your crazier than a shit house rat.  But, when you needed me I was there and that is something NO-ONE can ever take away from me.  I wish heaven was not so far away or I would pack up for the day just to see you once more.  I love you today and always and miss you!~!~ Your favorite KIDDO!~!~! And, as of today I have 407 pennies from heaven....... "~Just us 7~"    Seeeeeeeee ya!!!!!!!